Connected, yet disconnected…c’est la vie

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We get so busy with our lives that we forget what it truly means to live. We use this excuse of being so busy that we don’t have time to meet with our old friends, meet with our family or to truly live. 

I found out today that a friend passed away back in April. I was shocked on why I was just finding out. He was younger than me, and was my brothers classmate. I have basically known him almost 30 years. He leaves behind his wife, kids and parents. My heart breaks for his family, especially for his parents. I am grateful I got to see him a few years ago and he got to spend time with my family. But just like that a young life was taken.

I have always said that our life is unpredictable, and death is inevitable. But how we chose to live our life everyday does matter. I have stopped watching the news because it is so depressing, I also keep toxic people at bay, but I do eat that ice cream when I want. But I am also working on getting healthier for myself so I can live my life better. I am trying to consciously do things that make me happy, though I have days that are just too hard to handle. I will still get up, wear that smile and be thankful to be able to see another sunrise. 

So my dear friend…I hope you are at peace wherever you are. I hope and pray your family finds solace in all the good memories. And I hope we take this as a lesson on how short this life truly is. 


Till we meet again…..

Still a long way to go….

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So in my previous post I touched upon why I never took pictures with my son. Growing up I was an extremely active person and somewhere in my 30’s I started slacking off. I used to run track, row, climb trees, and pretty much do anything that would make me perspire. I loved the heat of South India, and I am sure it loved me back.

In my 30’s I went through a lot- loss of a baby, loss of a job, postpartum depression, and weight issues. So as I was on this amazing emotional roller-coaster, my dress size was creeping up. I did nothing to help with my weight issues, which was affecting my health. From being active to getting breathless while climbing one flight of steps was not acceptable anymore. I could not play in the park much with my son, and have missed out on some precious time with him. I had to make a change quick for no one but myself. But how? The only way for this to work was for me to kick my own ass to get moving.

At the start of 2015, I felt different. I thought to myself, okay this has to be the year. I needed to stop making excuses and stop feeling sorry for myself. I was at my heaviest- over 200 pounds. Yes 210 POUNDS!!!! What the hell had I been doing to my body. I know I am the only one to blame, and knew I needed to make a change quick. So I started slow-I found you tube videos on yoga, started that every morning. Did a few challenges, and the weight was slowly coming off, but I was restricted on what I could do, due to being top-heavy. Spoke with my physician, and she suggested I have a reduction. I just stared at her, as that was major surgery. She told me no matter what I did, I would never become smaller. I could not do it, I wanted to give exercise and eating healthy a shot. I kept at it for about six months and then school and life took over again. The weight was going up a little but I kept it in check at 195 pounds. Ughhh!!

Then came my emotional support late 2015. The motivation started again and I kept at it. 2016 rolled around, and the doctor suggested the same thing. This time I listened. So I had my surgery end of September 2016, which was a long surgery. I was recovering very quickly according to my surgeon. The surgery helped knock off six pounds. The surgery was mainly done to alleviate all the back pain issues I was having. So now I had to work on myself a lot harder. As soon as he gave me the all clear, I started with my yoga and threw in some meditation. Eating right was key. The toughest thing for me to give up was “sugar”, as is the issue for almost all. I still sneak in my coffee ice-cream on some days, but on most days I am more focused on eating healthy, and keeping myself hydrated. I am still working on the sleep, which apparently plays a part in weight gain/loss too.

So 2017 is here and I have stopped making excuses and feeling sorry for myself. I keep negativity away as much as I can for my mental health. So 43 pounds later, and with 40 more to go, I was finally getting somewhere. This is a very small victory for me, but it was a start. All I want is to be healthy for myself first and then my son. 

Why I never took many photographs with my son

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Sitting here and thinking back to when I had my first baby, I remember easing into motherhood with so much joy. But that joy was short-lived when I went into postpartum depression as I got laid off right after I had my son. The timing could not be any better.

Being a new mother and not knowing what the hell I was doing, and having a baby who was colicky also did not help. I was exhausted, and there were times I wanted to run away from everything. I was battling low self-esteem, depression and loneliness. The weight kept creeping on, and that brought me down even more. I never wanted to be in any photographs, but loved taking photographs of my newborn son. I took thousands of photographs during the first three to four years of his life, and still do. But I was hardly in any of them. I hated my appearance, and it did not help matters when my side of the family kept reminding me on how I need to lose the weight. They told me how I would look pretty if I lost the weight. Ugh!!! I wanted to scream at everyone. Even when I visited India, I was told by the shopkeepers that I was too fat, and they did not have anything for me. Everyone had this image that being thin makes one beautiful. A very brief background about me: I never used to be a big girl, I was into sports and was always fit. I remember being told that I was too thin and needed to put on weight. No one seemed satisfied with how I looked. I was never bothered about what people thought about me back then, so why was it bothering me now.

The weight came on after my two pregnancies in one year, sending my hormones into a tailspin. I did not care about myself as I was too busy taking care of my baby. When my son was about three or so, I was going through his baby year photographs and realized how I was not part of most of the pictures. I casually mentioned this to my mother in law, and a couple of sister in laws. They told me that when I am much older, and when my son was older too, he would probably ask me why I was never in any of his memories. They encouraged me to be in the pictures with him. That took about seven to eight months, and I finally started to feel comfortable in my skin.

Though the comments never stopped on how fat I was, but by now I had grown a thick hide. I was confident about myself, and the people kept talking but I did not care. My son is now eight, and I absolutely love being in photographs with him, making goofy faces and being silly. I know I will be able to look back on these days with a lot of happiness and pride. I am still not “thin”, but that is okay. Who said we need to be thin to feel beautiful? I love the way I look and feel now. I have never been more confident in my life, and most importantly I am the most beautiful woman to my little man. What more can I ask for.

The silent killer

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When I was a little girl, I always wondered why people were sad. I always remember my childhood as a happy one. Mom and dad told me that I always smiled and I still do, its instinctive with me, even when I am feeling down and out. But soon I had forgotten how to smile.

People assume that because you smile, all must be well and good with you. But behind that smile the silent killer was always waiting and watching me. It just wanted to take me to this awful place. I managed to keep it at bay for a long time, until I lost my first baby. Even then, I did my best to keep it away, because another life was dependent on me. He arrived, then I lost my job, and for a while it was fine, till one day something changed. I cannot explain what it was, but it got me.

I wish I could describe the feeling, but it is something I would never wish on my worst enemy. The days turned into months and months into years. The darkness was consuming me very slowly and paving a path of destruction. To wake up in a fog like state, and to still continue the day because there was a little boy who looked up to his mommy was the toughest thing for me. People who have been through this will understand, others will use this opportunity to put you down. I was alone in this battle, and did not see a way out or that “light” in the tunnel. It was dark, very dark. It was me against everyone else, but the worst part was it was me against me. The closest people to me did not understand. I was told I needed to get a grip on myself and snap out of it, like I really wanted to be in that state. It was winning and I was losing, and this inner battle continued to drain me daily. My mind told me no one cared, so I proceeded to almost do the most foolish thing ever, I wanted to end it all. I always thought it was cowardly to take ones life, but I do not judge anymore, because when you are completely overwhelmed and beaten, ending ones life is the solution. I knew I was at my lowest point of my life and I had to get out of it.

I could not do it because I have always been competitive in my life and I was not about to lose to this darkness. I was not about to give the satisfaction to those who wanted to see me lose. I spoke to two of my closest friends, and then to an acquaintance I had last seen over two decades ago. These three people “listened” and did not judge me. That made a difference. A lot of tears were shed and were wiped by my toddler who was always there too. I felt like the worst mother for allowing my son to see me like this, and felt I never did enough for him. But he is an amazing little boy and I could not be more proud of him. I am not ashamed of what I went through and I talk openly about it, much to the dismay of some people. So if you want to judge me, then I will have no choice but to distance myself from your toxic nature.

If I can make a difference in someones life, that would mean so much to me. So if you feel beaten, and don’t see a way out, please reach out to your loved ones or a professional. Life is not easy, and we all need to be kind to one another. We all deserve to be happy no matter what life throws at us, as too many lives have been lost already.

Now I wake up every morning and am thankful for the day. Do I have cloudy days, absolutely-we all do. I just keep at my yoga, my music and focus on myself more. Yes I am a mother, but my health and well being come first, because without it I am useless to my son. So yes I have become selfish and thick skinned but for good reason, but life is good.