Connected, yet disconnected…c’est la vie

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We get so busy with our lives that we forget what it truly means to live. We use this excuse of being so busy that we don’t have time to meet with our old friends, meet with our family or to truly live. 

I found out today that a friend passed away back in April. I was shocked on why I was just finding out. He was younger than me, and was my brothers classmate. I have basically known him almost 30 years. He leaves behind his wife, kids and parents. My heart breaks for his family, especially for his parents. I am grateful I got to see him a few years ago and he got to spend time with my family. But just like that a young life was taken.

I have always said that our life is unpredictable, and death is inevitable. But how we chose to live our life everyday does matter. I have stopped watching the news because it is so depressing, I also keep toxic people at bay, but I do eat that ice cream when I want. But I am also working on getting healthier for myself so I can live my life better. I am trying to consciously do things that make me happy, though I have days that are just too hard to handle. I will still get up, wear that smile and be thankful to be able to see another sunrise. 

So my dear friend…I hope you are at peace wherever you are. I hope and pray your family finds solace in all the good memories. And I hope we take this as a lesson on how short this life truly is. 


Till we meet again…..

And then there was a wedding….or something like that.

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So I don’t know how many times I have started, and re-started this particular blog. This was supposed to be the next step after the “awkward proposal”. There was someone who did not approve of this…but since I am at a stage in my life where I don’t care about what anyone thinks anymore, here goes.

After returning from India, we went back to being busy with our respective jobs. After a month or so we picked a date, actually I did. So the date I picked was a month after my birthday. I figured it would be easy to remember.

Wedding planning is the most stressful event ever, even worse when you have no one from your own family to advise and help. As much as I wanted a traditional Indian wedding with the dancing, henna, and Rukhsati, I knew that was never going to happen. He is a Catholic, and I am a Muslim, so we wanted to have something very small at a non-denominational chapel.  In order to have a Catholic wedding, one needs to go through a marriage class with the priest. Well, we went to see a priest, and had to fill out a questionnaire each and then we were questioned individually. When he asked me if I was going to baptize my child, I said I was not even sure I wanted a child. But they needed an answer and a signature, which would then go to the Archdiocese of Washington DC. Well, my answer was no I was not. At that point the “interview” was stopped and he called my fiance in, and said we could not get married in a Catholic Church, which I already knew before even going to meet this priest. So I looked at different chapels on my own, but nothing was working out.

This planning was annoying especially since I was trying to do it on my own without any help. So with the date picked, I had my mom print cards in India, and I sent out an Evite out to family & friends in the United States. Those who wanted to be there could, and those who did not, oh well. I definitely ruffled some feathers, but with no family support here, and none from the groom to be, I made the decision to get the marriage license and made an appointment for September 1st, So that September 1st morning, sitting at the courthouse, my heart broke again. It was another big event in my life, and I had no family. The price we pay when we move half way across the world. So after we said our “I do” to the judge, we then headed on our 14 hour drive to Memphis. I drove all the way because my lovely husband could not drive my car (Stick-shift). 

My gorgeous aunt had invited people over for a dinner to celebrate our marriage. My in-laws, a couple of my sister and brother in laws flew in for a day. That really made my day, but I missed the most important people in my life-my parents. There was no honeymoon as we had to head back to work. There was no “giving away” of the bride, which come to think of it, still has not happened. Maybe I should have my Indian wedding someday…so my father can formally give me away.

So now as a married couple, we start a new journey, and oh boy! no one warned me about the hidden dangers of being married….hee hee!!! 

joon joon and me

The Career (America By Default)

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So the default as some of you read in my previous post was “love”. That is what brought me to America. And I stayed on, because I knew the sacrifices that were made by my parents. I really wanted to go back home, because this was not my home (as yet).

It would also be five years before I went home to see my parents and brother. They did not make it to my graduation, actually no one did. I had a few friends and that was it. I had missed them so much. I remember being told by some people that I would never be allowed to work here, and that I would never get a work visa. Luck seemed to be in my favor, because I did get to work here, and also got my work visa in Canada without any issues. Destiny was taking shape, and I guess I was meant to move here. But I was still uneasy and was looking for any opportunity to go back home. The vacation back home was a much needed one. Things had changed in India, and I actually got a culture shock when I went home. Everything was much more western since I had left, even though I had grown up in a city. But it was home and I was savoring every minute of it. But soon it was time to go back to work-gosh I had grown up and had a job now. Mom and Dad were proud that I was managing on my own, but I had never let on about how I felt internally. 

Career:

So I said goodbye to West Virginia, and moved to the Washington D.C. area. I worked 60+ hours a week, so yeah you could call me a workaholic. I actually loved my job because I got to meet people from different walks of life. The place I worked at was a good ol’ boys club and if you played the game right, you advanced. Well, I played by my set of rules, so you could say I did not advance very far. This was a completely new environment for me, new life skills were being learnt. I was even told since I did not go to enough happy hours I would never get promoted. I was okay with that because my self-respect was intact and I did not need to “advance” my career by forgetting my morals and values. I had cut off contact with all my friends and I did not have any idea what was happening in their lives(no FB as yet). When I got moved to another office, I was told we were getting this new Assistant Manager and I had heard he was very serious. So on one of my runs to his office before he moved to our location, I asked who this person was and he stood up from behind the desk, and I was hoping it would not be this person. Well it was, and soon began another chapter in my life of a love-hate relationship.

photographs: some of my best friends from high school in India, and the assistant manager who made an interesting entry at a not-so interesting time in my life. 

 

America By Default pt. 2

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Two and a half months after being settled in my University by my best friend and her hubby, I got the worst news ever that changed our world. My Abajaan (grandpa) had passed away and his words still rang in my ears…it was the last goodbye. My problem of trusting everyone was about to be tested. I left my backpack at a friends dorm room and went to an acquaintance’s home to call my mother and him. I was distraught and was not thinking right. I stayed there till I calmed down, and then got my bags and walked home in a daze.

Like I said my trust was about to be tested. In my time of grief, this person who lived in the dorms decided to go through my bag while I was making calls and took my credit card number. When I got the bill I was shocked-he had called a sex line with my credit card. I did my research on where the call originated from-it was his room. I confronted him, he denied it. I was so angry, and I decided to file a police report against him. They arrested him while he was asleep. He got out and then a few weeks later they arrested him again. So he did what most guys would do…smear my name among the Muslim students. He wanted me dead. I had some angels watching over me at the school. You all know who you are. I did not care and knew that eventually they too will find out who he really is. Took a year or so, but I got my apologies from the Muslim Students. I distanced myself from a lot of people and associated myself with the Indian students, trusted no one, except a few.

During the second year, he decided to visit. Something was different…with me, or him-I did not know. This caused a friction between my best friend and me and we stopped talking for a few years. When he left I knew it was over. I was heart-broken but learnt two valuable lessons-trust no one and love is an over-rated word. He then emailed me to let me know it was and was because of religion. Wish he had the balls to say that to my face. So why was I still in America? Because my parents had spent money to send me here and I was not going to let a guy make me disrespect them in any way. Yes, I came here because of him, he was the default in my life, but probably ended being a blessing too because it led to other adventures.

University definitely was an eye opener-a little sweet and bitter. I had no family, and no one to advise me on what I needed to do. I was trying to make sure I was getting the grades, while trying to deal with two different losses. No one told me life would be this ridiculous. So I graduated, managed to get a job too, much to my surprise. Moved to another state by myself and started a new chapter in my life-my career.

 

Goodbye India….America by Default pt. 1

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I started writing this to log my story on how I came to live in America. Somewhere between enjoying the summer vacation with my son and life I am lagging behind…and no I am not apologizing for it. So let me finish up and try and understand why I am here, or at least attempt to understand.

As the final year of college was winding down I had no clue what I wanted to do. Even though I had managed to bag a couple of job offers with two big companies, my heart was working against me. I don’t remember much about him because it was so long ago. All I knew was that I wanted to marry him. We were opposites-me the extrovert, him the introvert, I loved dancing, he did not..etc. Yet there was this mutual respect and understanding. He decided to do his MBA, and I decided to apply for my hotel management again, but this time in Cyprus. I got into College in Cyprus and left India, not knowing this was it.

Cyprus was beautiful, the people were great and the college was fun. My stay in Cyprus was short and I even managed to survive an earthquake. During one of our conversations he said he was going to migrate to Canada, and that I should consider the USA to finish my studies. He said he would finish his MBA and then we both would move to Canada, and settle down. Again, I didn’t think much of it and applied to a few universities. I got into all of them, but chose West Virginia University because I had family there, who ended up moving right before I got there.

Now everyone told me that I would never get a US visa and personally I really didn’t care if I did or not. The United States was never in my life plan and after the brief interview at the embassy he told me to come back and collect my visa. This was my final goodbye to my Abajaan(grandpa) who was in hospital. His last words still ring in my ear, “I’m never going to see you again”, and it was so true.

Said my final goodbyes to my family, friends and my country and left not knowing where my life was heading. When I left that airport and gave my best friend a hug it was like part of me got left behind with my loved ones. My parents faces and my best friends face,  along with my Abajaan’s words are still so fresh in my memory. I got to Cyprus, packed my things, said goodbye to him and moved to a new continent.

And this was the start of a new chapter or the worst decision ever in my life….

From Kemungundi to Kodaikanal

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I’ve been slacking with completing my blogs. I apologize, life kinda took over for a bit. But let us get on with college life.

College was getting more interesting in the second year now that I had my group of established friends. I was happier being back home even with the occasional outbursts between my parents and me. My brother and I still fought like we when we were kids, but the love was very much there. Mom was busy with her real estate work and I would occasionally go and help her out after college.

Sometime during our second year there was a trekking trip to Kemungundi. I used to go there with my grandfather and the family. I don’t think we ever trekked though. We got there late evening and quite a few of us were crammed into a room. Freezing, we huddled together and dozed off. I woke up to a few huge bugs dead near me which freaked me out, and I think this is when my aversion for the creepy crawlies begun.

We did our first trek that morning and it sucked. We ended up in a leech infested area, and I was one of the lucky ones not to get any on myself, except for when I was outside the room. Z-point was beautiful, and the climb up the mountain was a lot of fun. That evening the girls thought it would be fun to lock me out of the room and left me standing in the rain with the darn leeches. I was going bat crazy when they finally opened the door and had arranged candy with candles and sang “Happy Birthday” to me. It was one of the best birthdays in a long time. The next day I chickened out and left the camp in the morning as I didn’t think I would last 5 more days. Luckily I was not the only one who wanted to leave 🙂 The other trek that I thoroughly enjoyed was at Bannerghatta National Park because they served the best bisi bele bath(breakfast food) there, and it was also another spot my grandpa would take us to get behind the scene encounters with the animals.

Our final year trip was the most memorable one of our college life, at least it was for me. We went to Kodaikanal-a small town in the hills. Again quite a few of us were put up in a room which we did not mind. There was a lot of singing, dancing and drinking (on the sly) among us crazy girls. I got to taste rum for the first time, and it was gross. We took bike rides around the lake, we posed and took a lot of pictures. It was pure fun and we were enjoying our last year together, not knowing which direction our lives were going to take us.

From Kodai we went to Madurai. What a beautiful temple we got to visit The Meenakshi Temple-I highly recommend a visit if in the area. There is a sign that says “Non-Hindus not permitted beyond this point”, that is the area of the idols. I consider myself an Indian and this was the first time I realized I was different and it hurt. I had always been to temples, churches, & mosques, and found them to be peaceful so when I couldn’t go beyond a point I was hurt. The drama that followed was interesting and scary. One of the girls decided to tell the priest that I had entered to do Darshan(offer prayers) and apparently they came looking for me. Some other girls got me out of there and we went into the saree shops. Till date I have no idea who the snitch was and am still disgusted by that behavior.

Getting back to Bangalore after the trip left us wanting more getaways, but it was back to reality. On the personal front, things were getting interesting between him and me, and I knew he was who I wanted to spend my life with, but I had known him only a few months. Let’s see where this takes us……

Treasured moments

LEMON TARTS, AFTERNOON DISCO….

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“Afternoon Discotheque!!” Bunking college once every few weeks was common among a few of us. We would sneak down to our favorite road-Brigades and head to 5th Avenue to the afternoon disco. Yes we called it “disco” back in the 90’s too. And we were not the only ones who were bunking college. Getting there early was key so we did not have to pay. That is where I got to meet one of the “players” of Bangalore. He was a fabulous dancer, very charming and everyone knew him. He and I hit it off well because I loved dancing too. The next couple of years he and I would go out dancing whenever we could. And the best part of our relationship, it was just about dancing. We would sometimes dance whenever we got together as it was fun.

We girls knew how to have fun and we did not need alcohol or drugs to have the kind of masti(fun) we had. We were the loudest on the Bangalore streets, sometimes teasing the men right back. We were fearless because we had each others backs. We never cared about the stares we received we just knew this was the life.We all came from different backgrounds and what connected us was our no nonsense attitude, and FOOD. Sharing each others food was a very typical thing in India, and I miss that here. Our little joys in life were lemon tarts from Sweet Chariot, Hot Chocolate Fudge(HCF) from Corner House, and Idlis and filter coffee from Brahmins.  If you ever visit Bangalore these places are a must, including some other ones-they are part of old Bangalore. 

College was getting more interesting. Our Psychology professor was a nun, and she was so much fun. My favorite was Abnormal psych.-we delved into the madness of the mind. We also got to bring our friends in for psychology experiments. These experiments were fun. And then in Literature it was the Metaphysicals…do you see a pattern here? I was not a fan of Linguistics, even though our teacher was very sweet. My two favorite poems were The Flea by John Donne and Sonnet 116 by Shakespeare.

None of us had boyfriends…at least I don’t think we did. We didn’t need boys in our lives just as yet I guess. One of my closest friends used to talk to us about her cousin and how he was this perfect son. He sounded perfect to me even though I had never met him, as yet. Then on Valentine’s day my world was about to change completely. I get a call from her asking me if I wanted to come to dinner with her and her cousin who was visiting. I love “Indian” Chinese food and there was never formality where food was concerned. They picked me up, it was dark and I couldn’t really see his face. Then he sat in front of me at the restaurant, and my heart raced. Oh my god…he was the one.