Goodbye India….America by Default pt. 1

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I started writing this to log my story on how I came to live in America. Somewhere between enjoying the summer vacation with my son and life I am lagging behind…and no I am not apologizing for it. So let me finish up and try and understand why I am here, or at least attempt to understand.

As the final year of college was winding down I had no clue what I wanted to do. Even though I had managed to bag a couple of job offers with two big companies, my heart was working against me. I don’t remember much about him because it was so long ago. All I knew was that I wanted to marry him. We were opposites-me the extrovert, him the introvert, I loved dancing, he did not..etc. Yet there was this mutual respect and understanding. He decided to do his MBA, and I decided to apply for my hotel management again, but this time in Cyprus. I got into College in Cyprus and left India, not knowing this was it.

Cyprus was beautiful, the people were great and the college was fun. My stay in Cyprus was short and I even managed to survive an earthquake. During one of our conversations he said he was going to migrate to Canada, and that I should consider the USA to finish my studies. He said he would finish his MBA and then we both would move to Canada, and settle down. Again, I didn’t think much of it and applied to a few universities. I got into all of them, but chose West Virginia University because I had family there, who ended up moving right before I got there.

Now everyone told me that I would never get a US visa and personally I really didn’t care if I did or not. The United States was never in my life plan and after the brief interview at the embassy he told me to come back and collect my visa. This was my final goodbye to my Abajaan(grandpa) who was in hospital. His last words still ring in my ear, “I’m never going to see you again”, and it was so true.

Said my final goodbyes to my family, friends and my country and left not knowing where my life was heading. When I left that airport and gave my best friend a hug it was like part of me got left behind with my loved ones. My parents faces and my best friends face,  along with my Abajaan’s words are still so fresh in my memory. I got to Cyprus, packed my things, said goodbye to him and moved to a new continent.

And this was the start of a new chapter or the worst decision ever in my life….

The silent killer

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When I was a little girl, I always wondered why people were sad. I always remember my childhood as a happy one. Mom and dad told me that I always smiled and I still do, its instinctive with me, even when I am feeling down and out. But soon I had forgotten how to smile.

People assume that because you smile, all must be well and good with you. But behind that smile the silent killer was always waiting and watching me. It just wanted to take me to this awful place. I managed to keep it at bay for a long time, until I lost my first baby. Even then, I did my best to keep it away, because another life was dependent on me. He arrived, then I lost my job, and for a while it was fine, till one day something changed. I cannot explain what it was, but it got me.

I wish I could describe the feeling, but it is something I would never wish on my worst enemy. The days turned into months and months into years. The darkness was consuming me very slowly and paving a path of destruction. To wake up in a fog like state, and to still continue the day because there was a little boy who looked up to his mommy was the toughest thing for me. People who have been through this will understand, others will use this opportunity to put you down. I was alone in this battle, and did not see a way out or that “light” in the tunnel. It was dark, very dark. It was me against everyone else, but the worst part was it was me against me. The closest people to me did not understand. I was told I needed to get a grip on myself and snap out of it, like I really wanted to be in that state. It was winning and I was losing, and this inner battle continued to drain me daily. My mind told me no one cared, so I proceeded to almost do the most foolish thing ever, I wanted to end it all. I always thought it was cowardly to take ones life, but I do not judge anymore, because when you are completely overwhelmed and beaten, ending ones life is the solution. I knew I was at my lowest point of my life and I had to get out of it.

I could not do it because I have always been competitive in my life and I was not about to lose to this darkness. I was not about to give the satisfaction to those who wanted to see me lose. I spoke to two of my closest friends, and then to an acquaintance I had last seen over two decades ago. These three people “listened” and did not judge me. That made a difference. A lot of tears were shed and were wiped by my toddler who was always there too. I felt like the worst mother for allowing my son to see me like this, and felt I never did enough for him. But he is an amazing little boy and I could not be more proud of him. I am not ashamed of what I went through and I talk openly about it, much to the dismay of some people. So if you want to judge me, then I will have no choice but to distance myself from your toxic nature.

If I can make a difference in someones life, that would mean so much to me. So if you feel beaten, and don’t see a way out, please reach out to your loved ones or a professional. Life is not easy, and we all need to be kind to one another. We all deserve to be happy no matter what life throws at us, as too many lives have been lost already.

Now I wake up every morning and am thankful for the day. Do I have cloudy days, absolutely-we all do. I just keep at my yoga, my music and focus on myself more. Yes I am a mother, but my health and well being come first, because without it I am useless to my son. So yes I have become selfish and thick skinned but for good reason, but life is good.

 

The women in my life: A small tribute

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Growing up we all are influenced by certain people in our lives who leave their mark. I come from a line of some extremely strong women and love them with all my heart.

The first of course is the one who brought me into this world (with a little help from my dad). What can I say about her? Growing up I remember this spunky woman who loved life, and was always ready for any adventure. She had an amazing childhood from what I recall. She would climb rocks, mountains, ride bikes, and was a fashionista. She was one of the first women to ride a JAVA in Bangalore. She was also trained under Tenzing Norgay and Edmund Hillary up in the mountains of North India.

I was lucky to have her as my mother. She was selfless, and was always ready to help others, even if it meant getting hurt by them. She instilled in us certain values and morals which my brother and I have never forgotten. In midst of all their struggles, they made sure we were always loved. She has the most forgiving heart-something I don’t have. She has always been popular among her friends and the younger generation too. When I look at her now, I see someone who is still strong, who still gets up every morning, puts her make-up on and is ready to face a new day despite being slapped in the face by life. And the best part is being told that I am just like my mother. All the sacrifices she has made has not gone unnoticed by me and I hope that life treats her kindly always. 

The second most important person: My JOON JOON. One of the sweetest voices and faces that has forever been imprinted is that of my grandmother. My first encounter with her was not long after I was born. She would sing to me to put me to sleep, and that song is still very precious to me. You want strong, then you have to meet my grandmother. She is one tough woman. When she was a little girl they had to leave their home in Singapore during World War II because the Japanese were bombing them. They got to flee in a small Chinese fishing boat to India and almost did not make it because the Chinese chef wanted them gone. But I got lucky and she got to be my grandmother. As a little girl I used to look forward to my visits to see her and they were some of the best vacations. Then I got to go live with her when I was 11 and stayed till I became an adult.She has been through so much, and still continues to go through a lot, but never complains. Her faith and strong will is what keeps her going, along with the countless well wishers from around the world. For those that don’t know-I have her up on a pedestal as people like her and the other women in my life come around once in a lifetime. I am lucky and fortunate that she is still driving distance from me, even if it is only a 14 hour drive.

My aunt or rather my big sister as there is only an eight year difference between us is the third influential woman. Since I was little we got to spend a lot of time together. Being in the same school helped as she always looked out for me till I was there. We also share a love for food especially the street food of India. When she got married at 18 and went away to another country it was very different when I moved to Madras. But as luck would have it I moved to the US (by default) and she was back in my life. My holidays were spent with her and the kids and luck shone on us and my grandmother moved here too. I had both of them back in my life. Something about my aunt you should know that apart from being a strong woman, she is extremely giving and welcoming. So no matter who you are she will welcome you with open arms and make you feel comfortable which some people tend to take advantage of because we women don’t know how to say “no”. She currently is a caregiver to her mother and mother-in-law and I don’t know how she does it-not many people can do what she does, not even me. I love her and the other ladies to the moon and back.

Finally but not least, my sexy grand-aunt Lily who is no longer with us, but is always with us, if you know what I mean. She was one of the first people who came to see me after I was born. My childhood memories of spending time with her were some of the fondest. She had this aura about her which words cannot explain. She was popular with the very young because of her non-judgmental ways. We forged a connection when I was very little and it lasted till she passed away. I can still hear her sweet laugh sometimes and it brings a smile to my face. I was very fortunate to be able to visit her when she came to my part of the world. It was only an 8 hour drive, but worth it. Her loss is still felt tremendously even today.

So these four women have influenced my life tremendously. I am what I am because of my strong connections with all of them. They are the most selfless, loving, and caring individuals I have ever met and will ever meet. To me if there ever was a God, its in these women. And another thing they have in common-they are phenomenal cooks.

I love them so very much and cannot imagine my world without them.

From Kemungundi to Kodaikanal

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I’ve been slacking with completing my blogs. I apologize, life kinda took over for a bit. But let us get on with college life.

College was getting more interesting in the second year now that I had my group of established friends. I was happier being back home even with the occasional outbursts between my parents and me. My brother and I still fought like we when we were kids, but the love was very much there. Mom was busy with her real estate work and I would occasionally go and help her out after college.

Sometime during our second year there was a trekking trip to Kemungundi. I used to go there with my grandfather and the family. I don’t think we ever trekked though. We got there late evening and quite a few of us were crammed into a room. Freezing, we huddled together and dozed off. I woke up to a few huge bugs dead near me which freaked me out, and I think this is when my aversion for the creepy crawlies begun.

We did our first trek that morning and it sucked. We ended up in a leech infested area, and I was one of the lucky ones not to get any on myself, except for when I was outside the room. Z-point was beautiful, and the climb up the mountain was a lot of fun. That evening the girls thought it would be fun to lock me out of the room and left me standing in the rain with the darn leeches. I was going bat crazy when they finally opened the door and had arranged candy with candles and sang “Happy Birthday” to me. It was one of the best birthdays in a long time. The next day I chickened out and left the camp in the morning as I didn’t think I would last 5 more days. Luckily I was not the only one who wanted to leave 🙂 The other trek that I thoroughly enjoyed was at Bannerghatta National Park because they served the best bisi bele bath(breakfast food) there, and it was also another spot my grandpa would take us to get behind the scene encounters with the animals.

Our final year trip was the most memorable one of our college life, at least it was for me. We went to Kodaikanal-a small town in the hills. Again quite a few of us were put up in a room which we did not mind. There was a lot of singing, dancing and drinking (on the sly) among us crazy girls. I got to taste rum for the first time, and it was gross. We took bike rides around the lake, we posed and took a lot of pictures. It was pure fun and we were enjoying our last year together, not knowing which direction our lives were going to take us.

From Kodai we went to Madurai. What a beautiful temple we got to visit The Meenakshi Temple-I highly recommend a visit if in the area. There is a sign that says “Non-Hindus not permitted beyond this point”, that is the area of the idols. I consider myself an Indian and this was the first time I realized I was different and it hurt. I had always been to temples, churches, & mosques, and found them to be peaceful so when I couldn’t go beyond a point I was hurt. The drama that followed was interesting and scary. One of the girls decided to tell the priest that I had entered to do Darshan(offer prayers) and apparently they came looking for me. Some other girls got me out of there and we went into the saree shops. Till date I have no idea who the snitch was and am still disgusted by that behavior.

Getting back to Bangalore after the trip left us wanting more getaways, but it was back to reality. On the personal front, things were getting interesting between him and me, and I knew he was who I wanted to spend my life with, but I had known him only a few months. Let’s see where this takes us……

Treasured moments

LEMON TARTS, AFTERNOON DISCO….

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“Afternoon Discotheque!!” Bunking college once every few weeks was common among a few of us. We would sneak down to our favorite road-Brigades and head to 5th Avenue to the afternoon disco. Yes we called it “disco” back in the 90’s too. And we were not the only ones who were bunking college. Getting there early was key so we did not have to pay. That is where I got to meet one of the “players” of Bangalore. He was a fabulous dancer, very charming and everyone knew him. He and I hit it off well because I loved dancing too. The next couple of years he and I would go out dancing whenever we could. And the best part of our relationship, it was just about dancing. We would sometimes dance whenever we got together as it was fun.

We girls knew how to have fun and we did not need alcohol or drugs to have the kind of masti(fun) we had. We were the loudest on the Bangalore streets, sometimes teasing the men right back. We were fearless because we had each others backs. We never cared about the stares we received we just knew this was the life.We all came from different backgrounds and what connected us was our no nonsense attitude, and FOOD. Sharing each others food was a very typical thing in India, and I miss that here. Our little joys in life were lemon tarts from Sweet Chariot, Hot Chocolate Fudge(HCF) from Corner House, and Idlis and filter coffee from Brahmins.  If you ever visit Bangalore these places are a must, including some other ones-they are part of old Bangalore. 

College was getting more interesting. Our Psychology professor was a nun, and she was so much fun. My favorite was Abnormal psych.-we delved into the madness of the mind. We also got to bring our friends in for psychology experiments. These experiments were fun. And then in Literature it was the Metaphysicals…do you see a pattern here? I was not a fan of Linguistics, even though our teacher was very sweet. My two favorite poems were The Flea by John Donne and Sonnet 116 by Shakespeare.

None of us had boyfriends…at least I don’t think we did. We didn’t need boys in our lives just as yet I guess. One of my closest friends used to talk to us about her cousin and how he was this perfect son. He sounded perfect to me even though I had never met him, as yet. Then on Valentine’s day my world was about to change completely. I get a call from her asking me if I wanted to come to dinner with her and her cousin who was visiting. I love “Indian” Chinese food and there was never formality where food was concerned. They picked me up, it was dark and I couldn’t really see his face. Then he sat in front of me at the restaurant, and my heart raced. Oh my god…he was the one.

 

COLLEGE!! OH BOY!

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Okay, after a couple of detours, lets get back on track. Let’s get on with how I ended up in America “by default”.

I walked through those college gates with the largest chip on my shoulder. I did not want to be there. After my mother dropped me off I took a deep breath, held my head up high like a complete snob and walked in confidently. I had no idea what to expect. Was I going to be ragged? Was I going to get into a fight on my first day? It actually turned out to be quite a boring first day … just like the next few months. I’m pretty sure the girls thought I was rude and stuck-up. It worked in my favor because I was not there to make friends. I was never ragged by the seniors. I remember being in the nurses office often because I would faint constantly. I still do. I have no idea why.

Even though I was not there to make friends I ended up making solid connections with some mental females. I still share a bond with them today. I don’t know what I would have done without them in my life. They are part of the reason I am still breathing today. Them and my ability to survive anything thrown at me have kept me going. By the middle of the year I had made a few friends, and my attitude about being there was changing slowly. I still missed him so much, but had to move on. I went on to win the college queen title, which was so weird, but fun to take part in.

Home life was an adjustment. I kept to myself a lot. I fought a lot with everyone. In other words, I was a complete bitch. Dancing was my stress buster and I did a lot of dancing in those three years. I met a lot of good dancers, but my two favorites were my dad and my brother. They both could keep up with me. That was awesome. I learned the bus routes and would go to my moms work after college to hang out. I did not have my own transportation as yet. I relied on my mother every morning to drop me to college. That changed toward the end of the first year when my dad bought me my first bike. It gave me my independence back and gave my dad gray hair.

My first year in college was not as exciting as the next two years. That is where all the action was. It was leading me to meeting my soulmate…at least I thought he was. It was also putting things in place for me to leave my home forever. Changes were taking place…..but for now we were a family again.

MASTI…

 

SASHA….I killed her.

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I still hear her beating heart at times. She would have been 8 in six months.

When I was a teenager, I always knew for some reason that my first baby would be named Sasha. Why that name? I have absolutely no clue. But that was to be their name-boy or girl. Well, marriage was far from my mind when I was younger, as I had so much more to do with my life. I did what was needed-school, college, job and then finally in my thirties I decided to get married. Even that almost did not happen, but then again who said you need to be married to have a baby.

On my way to India in January 2008, I knew I was pregnant. I did not tell anyone. I happened to be in Bombay, when my aunt looked at me and asked if I was pregnant. I didn’t think it was that obvious, since it was only the first month. Well me being in a doctors home, I was given a pregnancy test and lo and behold I was. I was happy and scared as I was traveling. Something just did not feel right. Mentally, I was very stressed and would fight with my parents. I didn’t know I had so much anger and rage. Blame it on hormones, environment or whatever, but this should have been the most joyous moment of my life and I felt uneasy.

From Bombay we went to Delhi, and then back to Bangalore. My husband was arriving and we were to head out to Madras via road or did we fly I cannot remember. Everyone was happy with the news, I was too but not all the time. We drove to Pondicherry, and that was a long drive. We stopped at some fort by the beach, and saw that they had just found a woman who had drowned. What a horrible sight, and what was worse they just dumped her body in the trunk of the car and shut the trunk lid. We moved on and I decided to climb a wall to get sight of the view. Climbing down I had help and then decided to jump. My mom told me not to but it was too late. That night the inevitable happened I started bleeding and had to wait all night to get to the doctor the next day. OMG, her heart was beating, weak, but beating. I cried and asked for my husband to come in, but India has some weird rules and he could not hear the heartbeat. I cried and pleaded as I knew this was the only time I would hear that heart but they could not care less.

My husband had to leave on the day I had my ultrasound in Bangalore. The treatment of women who are about to lose their baby is horrendous in India. The lack of empathy and emotion really bothered me, like this life did not matter.They did the ultrasound and I was told “its dead”. I lay there motionless and without any emotion. Came out to a room full of people, looked at my mom and said the same thing-its dead. I was given the abortion pills and instructions. I just wanted someone to hold me, and I was alone, like I always was. My baby was no more, and my heart was broken never ever to be the same again. I was not going to be the same. My bitterness increased to a new level. I still had my smile, but no one knew the pain I was going through and I decided to shut the world out of my life.

I told my parents to leave me alone in the apartment. I did not want anyone around me and needed my privacy while I grieved for someone I had never met and was never going to meet. Just the sound of her heartbeat stayed with me and played in my head. I cried every day till I left. My parents cried, my brother cried, all for a little soul we had not met. All I thought about was that I had killed my baby, and that ate at me and still does to this day. There are days I still hear her heartbeat and cry and that will stay with me till I die. I got pregnant again and thought this time around I would be careful till I decided to lift my husbands niece so she could wash her hands. And I woke up hysterical and bleeding and just thought to myself I cannot go through this again. This time around he was a strong one, a fighter and had his sister protecting him. My miracle baby. I finally became a mother.

Every year my son and I celebrate Sasha’s birthday on September 21st, the day of my grandfathers birthday too. He knows that she was his big sister who watched over him and all I know is that I am the one who killed her.

The view I climbed to see
Infamous view

 

one day old

A slight detour…

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“But daddy he is so black”, the only time I used the color reference against my brother, and oh boy, I had never seen my father so angry. I had picked it up from one of the elders who used to comment about my mother and brother’s skin color and I did not know any better. It became an extremely important teaching moment for my parents. After that day I have not noticed skin color on anyone. In a way, I am color blind.

The jungles of Bandipur and the noisy streets of Mysore were like our second home. The adventures I had with my best friend were priceless. Having a grandfather who was a forest officer came with its perks. We got whisked off to Bandipur once or twice a month. We got to stay at the Forest Officer’s Guest House and got access into parts of the forest where no one else was allowed. We got to play with the cubs, and I got to hold the baby chimp and I received the best hug from him.

On one of these trips, we decided to go off into the forest using the elephants of course. We were quite deep in the jungle when we were charged by the wild elephants. What a rush! I am sure it was quite scary for the adults. Mom reminds me on how fearless I was, as I would walk into the jungle by myself. I look at her and say “That was a pretty stupid thing for me to do !” (considering we could hear the big cats in the night). Apparently it was not an isolated incident. Mom tells me that  I ran off at a mall in Singapore when I was three . For three hours mom did not know where I was till they announced my name. Oh boy, if something like that happened to my son, I would be hysterical. And on another occasion I decided to walk home from school when I was in Kindergarten. Only thing is home was 6.2 KM from school. I decided in my five year old brain I did not have to wait for my mother, and walked. Just as I reached the house, after hitching a ride about 2 kilometers from my home my mom, principal, aunt and grandmother pulled up. Oh Boy!!

My brother and I were blessed to have my mom and dad as our parents. They doted on us: I was Daddy’s little girl and my brother was a Mama’s boy. We had a very normal childhood and we fought like most siblings do. We climbed trees, rode our bikes, played in open construction lots in the neighborhood and roller skated on main roads. At the drive-in movies, I was the one dancing on top of the car, he was the quiet one. But when Amithab died in a movie, we both bawled…and I still do. He and I were inseperable. His girlfriends hated me ,or were scared of me. I was unapproachable to some people ( of my own choosing). I did get to find him his bride though 🙂 and I absolutely love her.

Going off to Madras, and being away from him, was very difficult for both of us. So in all, I got to spend only 14 years of my life with my brother and my parents. I still don’t know how I did it. Mom said I was a survivor and independent from the start . Even a survivor needs family as time passed is never recovered.

I hope I get to go back home for at least a year and create more memories with my family and best friend.

Kamil and me